Friday, August 31, 2012

August Atrocities

Ahhhhh, August - end of the Summer movie season, and one of the studios' designated "dumping ground" months, along with January, to unleash all the crap they don't really know what to do with, or that they know stinks to high heavens. So lets go over some of these "stinkers" if you will, some of the absolute worst movies of the year. This August has also been incredibly rewarding and rich, which we shall see later.

The Watch, apparently tone deaf helmer Akiva Schaefer's stupendously bad sci-fi comedy starring Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Jonah Hill, and Richard Ayoade at their most grating and unbearable.

Ice Age: Continental Drift, 20th Century Fox, 2012.

20th Century Fox's formerly cute but dismissible animated franchise, Ice Age, comes to grisly end with the obnoxious, last straw retread that is Ice Age: Continental Drift.

Sparkle, a tepid remake of a 1970s movie that wasn't so hot to begin with. But I'll take a Seventies misfire any day over a shitty millennial remake filled with decent music while all else is indecent, save Whitney Houston's final role, strong and interesting, as the matriarch.

Jordin Sparks, Whitney Houston, Sparkle, Tri-Star Pictures, 2012.

Step Up Revolution, one of the most moronic movies of the year. Bad everything, crazy dance moves make for a God awful time at the cineplex.

The Apparition, another faux  reality horror excretion, filled with good looking bad young actors, terrible dialogue, limp direction and an overall shrug worthy denouement.

Jason Statham, Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, The Expendables 2, Lionsgate Films, 2012.

Finally, this August wouldn't have been complete without The Expendables 2,  Simon West's turkey of a sequel to Sylvester Stallone's campy action extravaganza from a couple years back. The inclusion of a feverish number of male action icons within one ridiculous film makes for a kitschy, so bad its fascinatingly bad time at a theater near you.

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